Well it’s not!
I’m sure it would be delicious if not for the circumstances of its arrival and being.
While intending to meet up with colleagues last night around 19:30 for dinner I found myself very hungry long before then, most likely on the basis I hadn’t had breakfast or lunch at any point.
Deciding to order room service I picked a tasty steak burger sans cheese, diet coke with ice and some sticky toffee pudding and ice-cream to follow once I’d finished my main. “No problem”, they say, “will be with you in less than thirty minutes”.
Although I didn’t witness it, I assume what happened then was that at this point they put the phone down and check which room tariff I’m booked in on and realise I waived my rights to any customer service by booking the corporate rate.
An hour later I phone again, starving, to mention I’ve not received my order. “It should be with you”, they say. “Err… It’s not”, I reply.
“It’s left the kitchen let me check and call back”. I put the phone down and hear a squeaky clatter from the corridor. Knock-knock. It’s the food.
In it comes and I sign the thing and wait for the door to close after the guy leaves again and the phone rings. I run over, lift it and they’ve hung up.
I put it down and contemplate eating. Hang on. The desert is on the tray, it was supposed to come up later, surely? The phone rings, so I pick it up.
“Hello, your food has left the kit-“, they start. “Yeah, it arrived just after I spoke to you, thanks anyway…” I say and end the call.
Off comes the tureen. Gak. Cheese. Oh man, it’s melted everywhere. I can’t even scrape this off or eat round it. Should I just forget it? No, I phone down again. “Yeah sorry, my order just arrived and it’s just that there’s cheese on-” I start…
“You must’ve asked for it, because it doesn’t come with cheese, that’s extra”, a different voice replies. “No, I can’t eat cheese, I would never have asked for it” I reply. “I’ll get someone to phone you back.
By this point I’m really quite thirsty and eye up the glass of coke. I shouldn’t really have any, I don’t know what they’ll do with the order, maybe they want it all back intact?
Also, there’s no ice.
The phone rings, the original voice again. “Oh, sorry, we have new kitchen staff, would you like a replacement?”
“Yes please. Sorry to be a pain about this…”
“No, not problem. Would you like a complimentary drink?”
“Uhh… I have the coke already I don’t really-”
“A bottle of wine maybe?”
“No, no thanks, I’m fine with this…”
“We’ll send up another coke then?”
“Uh… No… I won’t drink it to be hones- Oh, alright then okay do that.”
“Okay, we’ll comp you on the meal then…”
Knowing that there’s a tendency for these things to come out of someones wages sometime I wasn’t keen on that, “You don’t have to, it was an honest mistake…”
“No, it’s the least we can do considering it was our fault.”
“Oh. Okay then. Umm… So, do you want this desert back or should I eat it before the ice-cream melts..?”
“We can send up another one?”
“No, I’ll eat this, it’s fine…” Click.
Half an hour later the replacement burger arrives, alongside two bottles of coke still with the cap on. Excellent I can open them tomorrow. Thanks. Cheerio! Wait a whole minute for the door to close.
Except no. Possibly suspecting my plan, the guy comes back to the door again, with a bottle opener and insists on opening and pouring them into the glass, just to thwart me.
To be honest I’d gone beyond hungry by now but I still ate it…